


The Enemy of My Enemy is My.... Ex?

by batofgoodintent (crownedcrusader)



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman and Robin (Comics), DC Animated Universe (Timmverse), DCU
Genre: Gen, ambiguous dc universe, gotham rogues & dickie, no beta we die like robins, no ship but technically dick just had a breakup with ambiguous female character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28517922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedcrusader/pseuds/batofgoodintent
Summary: Dick Grayson's girlfriend breaks up with him right before patrol. The Gotham Rogues find out immediately and spend the night a) refusing to fight him, b) turning themselves in before he can land a single hit, or worst of all, c)Using therapy language they learned in Arkham to help him 'process his breakup' and find a 'healthier coping mechanism than violence'....Yeah, Dick's confused, too.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Harley Quinn, Dick Grayson & Selina Kyle, Dick Grayson & the Gotham Rogues, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 27
Kudos: 185
Collections: Bat Family 18+ Discord Server January Prompt Event





	The Enemy of My Enemy is My.... Ex?

**Author's Note:**

> no i am not suffering from 'not respecting women enough to name them' juice. i just dont want to do any of dicks canon love interests dirty.

“We’re over. Take your key and go.” 

It wasn’t the first time Dick had been broken up with. And unless he magically got better at balancing his love life and vigilante workaholism, it probably wouldn’t be the last. Still, he’d had high hopes this time. Hopes that maybe with her, he could make things last. That she’d understand what he was like, and wouldn’t judge him for it or expect time that he simply couldn’t make. 

It didn’t help that she’d broken up with him when he was dressed as Nightwing, either. 

She hadn’t slapped him or screamed at him -- nothing that would have ruined Dick’s night even worse. But he didn’t appreciate being told to get lost when he was in costume. Dick was supposed to separate his personal conflicts from criminal conflicts better than this. Did she even realize what she’d just jeopardized?

Probably.

Dick didn’t really blame her. 

The reason she’d broken up with him as Nightwing was because he hadn’t made time for her in weeks outside of the costume. In order for him to find even five minutes with her, she’d marched down to Crime Alley, waited to get mugged, and waited for Nightwing to swoop in and save her. 

\--Only to return his key and tell him, oh, by the way, this was a set-up because you’re the world’s worst boyfriend. 

He knew it was his own fault, but it still stung. 

Not to mention, it was a rough way to start a patrol. 

He’d barely been out for five minutes -- Crime Alley was his first stop. But he couldn’t just walk around punching people while carrying a key, so he’d climbed the fire escape to the nearest rooftop and taken a minute to stash away the key to his apartment. And to take a minute -- only a minute -- for himself. 

He didn’t even get forty seconds before Catwoman crawled up the fire escape, too. 

“I’m not really in the mood, Selina,” he said. “If you’re going to rob something shiny for B’s attention, I recommend the art gallery downtown.” 

Selina just smiled sadly at him. “I’m not here to steal anything,” she said. “Are you alright?” 

Realizing that she must be here because she’d overheard -- because of course she had, of course his ex couldn’t have broken up with him in a different street -- Dick groaned and leaned back until he was lying flat on the rooftop. 

“I can’t believe you’re  _ checking in with me _ right now. Aren’t you wanted for sixteen thousand dollars worth of stolen goods? Should you really be chatting with a vigilante right now?” 

“Don’t worry, I already re-sold it,” she said with a grin. “You couldn’t find evidence if you combed my entire apartment, sweetheart. But enough about me. Who was she? How long were you together?” 

Dick thunked his head against the rooftop. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Selina tsked. “You’re sure? You know I have an open door to you.” 

“ _ I’m fine _ .” And if he was saying it through gritted teeth, it was only because he didn’t want to be fussed over. Bad enough that his girlfriend had broken up with him in costume and broken his concentration and flow for the night. He didn’t need people treating him with kid gloves.

Especially not the rogues he was supposed to be stopping. 

Selina frowned, then opened her mouth to argue. But to Dick’s relief, his comms chirped and cut her off before she could say a word. 

“What’s up, Robin?” 

“Riddler spotted on 12th and L,” Tim said. “But that’s for Batman. Nightwing, you don’t have to-”

“Robin, I’m less than a block away,” Dick said, incredulous. “Bruce’s route is half across the city. I can make it in less than five minutes.” 

“Well… Sure you’re closest. But you’re kind of compromised right now, and I’m within ten, so...” 

Dick shot to his feet. “How did you even find out about that?” he snapped. Before Tim could answer, Dick got out his grapple line and aimed it towards L street. “Nevermind. Just stay on your own patrol route. I can handle Riddler.” 

“Are you sure?”

Dick cut off his comms link, muttering under his breath all the while. Before he could jump and grapple towards L and 12th though, Selina grabbed for his hand. 

“Just let me know if you need anything,” she said. “Take care of yourself.” 

Dick huffed. Then, he grappled towards the Riddler’s last known location without another word. And hopefully, without another thought about his ill-timed breakup. 

\--

When he got to the Riddler’s location, it was shockingly easy to bring him down. 

Nygma had sworn under his breath and prepared to launch out a riddle, like usual -- but then, once Dick got closer, his entire demeanor changed. 

“Oh,” Nygma said. “It’s you.” 

“Were you expecting the GCPD? Last I checked, they don’t use grapples.” 

“I was hoping for  _ Batman _ ,” he insisted. “I can’t waste my riddle on you.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know I was top of my class in Detective Academy. I got an A in Riddler. Don’t count me out just yet.” 

Nygma sighed and shook his head. “You don’t have to overcompensate, Nightwing. You’re in a safe space.” 

Dick blinked at him. “I’m.” He paused. Considered where he was and what he was doing. “I’m here to f _ ight you _ , Riddler. This isn’t a safe space. I’m here to wreck your plans.” 

But instead of inspiring Nygma to action, it just made his face fall. “Well, if you’re going to reject the offer of a safe space to talk, that’s not on my conscience,” he said. “Very well. There’s only one thing to do.” 

“God, finally,” Dick started, and got into a fighting stance. 

-Only for the Riddler to put his hands out in front of him, wrists together and ready for a cuffing. 

“It’s time for my weekly check-in with Dr. Linda as it is,” he said. “Go on. I won’t resist. There’s no reason to use violence.” 

Dick just blinked at him. 

Was this a parallel dimension? 

But Nygma was right. There was no reason to use violence if Nygma came willingly. So, still baffled, he tied him up and called him in to the GCPD and reported the capture to Batman and Robin -- omitting the stranger details. Then, he got back on with his patrol in hopes that there would be no other surprises tonight. 

\--

There were other surprises. 

Penguin was in the middle of a bank robbery when Nightwing arrived on the scene. He landed behind him, fist poised and ready to punch -- 

Only for a goon to take an (admittedly well-timed) swing at him. He knocked Dick onto his back, the first real blow of the night, and Dick grinned, all too ready for a fight. 

“Well, well, well. I see a caped crusader has decided to interfere with my plans,” Penguin said, breaking off into mad laughter for a beat. “I saw you coming a mile away, Robin. You will not foil me so eas-”

But the instant Penguin turned around to look at him, his face fell.

“Nightwing?” 

“Traded in the traffic colors for this little number  _ years  _ ago, Pengey.” Nightwing raised both brows. “What’s the deal?” 

“You’re not supposed to be out!” 

Dick picked himself up and brushed himself off, then got back into a fighting stance. “Well, I hate to spoil your fun, but vigilantes don’t waddle on the job. Get it? Because-” 

“Yes, because my moniker is Penguin due to a disability that prevents me from walking normally,” Penguin said. “I don’t take offense, but you could come up with something a bit less on the nose.” 

Dick grimaced. “Am I -- are you trying to get me to apologize?” 

Penguin sighed. “We all deal with grief differently. I suppose lashing out is only normal,” he said. “But I cannot allow you to do it here.” 

“Finally,” Dick muttered. He balled his hands into fists and crouched, poised and ready to jump at his enemy. “Tell your goons it’s over! Put down the weapons or else I’ll be forced to take you down.” 

“They aren’t goons, they’re perfectly intelligent,” Penguin said. Then, he snapped his fingers.

Dick prepared to dodge bullets -- 

But no gunfire came. 

Instead, every single enemy put down their gun at the snap of Penguin’s fingers. “I release you from your contracts early. Go back home to your families,” he said, “Preferably before the cops catch you. Be careful, you know the cops are trigger happy the deeper you live in the city.” 

Again -- did he fall into a parallel universe? 

Dick hesitantly radioed in to the Bat comms. 

“Uh. Penguin’s down. He’s, uh. Turning himself in,” Dick said. He squinted at what was in front of him. “Could I get a pickup with the GCPD?” 

“...Affirmative,” Batman said -- and it sounded like he was in the middle of throwing blows. “Robin and I are engaged in a mugging from a non-Rogue criminal. You’ll need to handle it yourself.” 

Dick sighed. “Will do.”

Then, to his surprise, the comms clicked back on. “And Nightwing, if you need to talk after we get back to the cave-” 

“OH MY GOD, BATMAN. THIS IS NOT THE TIME!” 

Penguin tsked from in front of him. “You don’t need to lash out at the people who care about you, Nightwing. There is no harm in simply talking.” 

Nightwing rubbed at his forehead. This wasn’t happening to him. It just wasn’t. 

“Just. Stay there and let the GCPD pick you up,” he finally said, and radioed it in. 

“Must we go back through the jailing process? I’d much rather just go back to Arkham. It’s Riddler’s birthday in a week. Evidently I’ll have to move the party to the Asylum. Pity, really, I was looking forward to drinking to celebrate his forty-fifth.” 

...Was this a bizarre fear gas dream? 

“Uh. I’ll be sure to wish him happy birthday if I see him again,” Dick said hesitantly. “...Enjoy your stay at Arkham, Penguin.” 

Normally when he said it, it was off of an adrenaline rush, and Penguin was shouting bloody murder at him. But this time, Penguin just smiled, like it was a pleasant thing to tell someone. It really took the wind out of Dick’s sails. 

Once he was sure Penguin was in police custody, Dick got back to his patrol route, in the hopes that anything -- anything -- would become normal again. 

\--

Firefly turned off her flamethrower to avoid hurting him. 

Scarecrow resisted using his fear gas and ventilated the room ‘just in case’. 

Clayface stopped chasing after civilians the instant he saw Nightwing approach.

And every last one of them turned themselves in before Dick could so much as throw a punch. 

“Are you kidding me?” he snapped as Clayface sat peaceably in the back of a police cruiser. “How is no one fighting back tonight?” 

“It’s not right to lash out in anger, Nightwing,” Clayface said. “You don’t have to turn to violence every time you face internal turmoil. It’s important to take time for yourself and utilize healthy coping mechanisms instead of ones that feed into your grief.” 

Dick stared openly at him. He was about to ask what the hell that was supposed to mean -- and from a supervillain, no less! -- when the door shut. 

He dragged his hands down his face, his mask tugging uncomfortably at his skin. 

“Come ON!” he shouted at the sky. “SOMEONE FIGHT ME ALREADY!” 

He was about ready to start grappling back to the cave when he heard a voice behind him. 

“Hey, handsome,” someone purred. “Sounds like someone’s having a bad night. How about we do something about that temper, hm?”

Poison Ivy. 

Thank god. She had never turned away from a fight, ever. She had whammied him at least fifty times, and frankly, as annoying as the aftermath was, at least he always got a good fight and a good laugh out of it afterwards. At this point, he’d even take a whammied fight with the GCPD over another rejection.

“Shouldn’t you be in Arkham, Ivy?” Dick bantered --

And was beyond relieved when he saw Ivy’s smirk sharpen into something dangerous. And finally, finally, he saw a weapon. She summoned vines from all around her, and the grew until they were almost as tall as she was. Here was a threat worth his time. “Just try and put me back, Nightwing. There’s no way in hell.” 

“Then I guess someone  _ Friesed  _ it over,” he quipped. With that, he rushed towards her, a hand on a wingding, all too ready to fight her-- 

Then, before he could even get a scrape in, someone jumped behind him with a chloroform-covered cloth. 

Dick blacked out immediately. 

\--

“--Shouldn’t have taken it so far! You looked like you were gonna really hurt him!”

Dick came to at the sound of Harley’s voice. He squinted, head aching as he slowly woke. 

“It was the only way he was coming with us.” 

That was unmistakably Ivy’s. But… why…?

“I’m just sayin’, it isn’t good for the kid to see all this kinda violence. Not tonight, anyhows.” 

“Harley, by tomorrow we’ll be kidnapping him for real,” Ivy drawled. “I think he can handle it.” 

“It’s the principle of the thing!”

Had he been kidnapped?

Dick shook his head and tried to clear his blurry, double-vision. 

When he opened his eyes again, he realized there was someone standing in front of him. 

“Hello, Nightwing,” Selina said. 

He grimaced. “You.” 

“Don’t sound so angry. It was for your own good.” 

“How is kidnapping me for my own good?” Dick crossed his arms over his chest -- or tried to, only to realize he was pinned back by Ivy’s vines. 

Shoot. Had he been whammied after all? He wasn’t feeling the usual, er, urges that came with Ivy’s plants, but the risk was still there, wasn’t it? 

“What did you do to me?” he demanded, struggling in the vines. 

Ivy looked up from her argument with Harley. She looked far less homicidal than he normally recalled. “Nothing that you need to worry about, Nightwing.” 

“Ivy!” Harley whacked her friend in the arm. “You’re playin’ nice tonight, remember?”

Ivy grimaced. “The vines are only to keep you in place,” she said flatly. “You don’t have any sex pollen in your system, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

Dick flushed pink at her candor. “Nothing else, either?” 

“Nothing,” Ivy said. “You’re to remain in place until Batman picks you up.” 

“I -- what?” 

Ivy crossed her arms. “It was not my idea,” she said primly. “One of you, explain. I have no patience for a man that doesn’t want to be helped.” 

“Aw, Ivy.” Harley gave her girlfriend a smooch on the cheek -- then seemed to catch herself, as if she’d been caught doing something wrong. “Whoops. Sorry, Wingy. Didn’t mean to -- We’ll limit the Pee-Dee-Ay.” 

Dick squinted at her. “Am I sick?” he asked. “Is this some kind of crazy fever dream?” 

“You aren’t sick, pumpkin. Just lovesick.”

“I thought you said I wasn’t whammied--”

“I hate that word,” Ivy said. “You aren’t under the influence of my pollen. I would never do that to someone who just got out of a relationship. Too vulnerable. It would be wrong.” 

“So it’s not wrong to pollenate someone who’s emotionally  _ healthy _ ?” 

Ivy balled her hands into fists. “I cannot talk with you when you’re this hostile.”

“You kidnapped me and tied me to a chair,” Dick said, voice flat. “And you’re lecturing me on hostility. Thanks for that.” 

Ivy turned away from him with a huff. “Harley, Selina -- you handle him. I need some air.” 

She left, hands in the air, and Dick found his bonds getting tighter. She was definitely mad at him then. If only she’d just punch him so he could hit back. He sat back against the chair, a defeated sigh leaving his lips. 

“How long are you going to keep me here?” he asked. “I had things I wanted to do tonight.” 

“We’ve already called Batman,” Selina said. “Until then, well-” 

“It’s an intervention, Wingy.” Harley plopped herself onto his lap, draping herself over him. He wasn’t sure how, but it came across as aggressively platonic instead of awkward. It was almost nice. - Until he remembered that she’d stolen from a major organization yesterday and left five people in the hospital. 

He squirmed underneath her. “I think I should be telling you that. You  _ kidnapped  _ me. You kidnapped me without having any intention of hurting me. What was your  _ plan _ ?” 

“To save you from yourself,” Harley said seriously. She patted him on the cheek. “You’ve always been a violent sonofabitch, but it’s never been healthy. We shouldn’ta fought you when you were a kid. It sticks with you.” 

Dick stared. “Uh.” 

“But you’ve already learned how ta use violence as a coping mechanism. There’s no getting rid of it. All we can do now is make sure that you don’t take it too far.” 

“I’m sorry,  _ what  _ are we talking about?” 

Selina put a hand on Harley’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You go out and fight people every night. You’re used to it. It doesn’t strike you as a big deal. But when you’re already feeling low, is it really healthy to indulge in that?” 

“I’m not feeling low-”

“Your girlfriend broke up with you. It was an end to a relationship, of course it was upsetting. You don’t have to lie.” 

“I know how to separate work from my personal life!  _ Oh my god!” _ Dick squeezed his eyes shut. “Can you please let me out of this? I already can’t patrol or do anything useful tonight -- just let me at least go home and just -- wail on a punching bag or something.”

“He has a punching bag at home?” Harley asked Selina in a stage whisper. Selina nodded. “That’s so sad… Can’t even make his home a safe space away from violence. Not even the other rogues are that obsessed. This might be harder than I thought.” 

Dick kind of wanted to be offended at that. It wasn’t that abnormal to have a punching bag in his house, was it? 

Then he remembered that Roman Sionis definitely had a full gym in his house, which meant that Harley was absolutely just messing with him. 

Unless she didn’t count Sionis as a rogue. 

God, no -- what was he doing. He wasn’t about to engage with Harley’s deluded logic. 

Unless? 

“Just let me go,” he said, and winced at the words about to come out of his mouth. “And I’ll uh. God, this is stupid. Let me go and I’ll go home and just -- what do the rest of you do after breakups?” 

“Break into museums and jewelry stores and commit grand theft larceny,” Selina said immediately. “The bigger the gem, the older the painting, the better.” 

“Get drunk and blow up important buildings,” Harley said cheerfully. “Or, steal cars and race ‘em as fast as I can, hitting as many cars as I can before I wreck. Or go to skating rinks and take out all the other gals’ knees so they can’t beat me. Or, break into buildings and steal stuff -- and then break into another building and steal their stuff, and then swap all the stuff I stole with the other guy’s stuff! Or--”

“Harley,” Selina said softly. “I think that is plenty of examples.” 

“You can always feed your ex to a plant,” Ivy said from across the room, still avoiding the others. “I have a giant venus fly trap that could use a good feeding, you know…” 

Dick grimaced at the very idea. “I’ll pass.” 

“I suppose it’s more man-eating than woman eating,” Ivy agreed. 

Harley leaned in closer, invading Dick’s personal space. “Well?” she demanded. “What do you plan on doing with yourself once we let you go?” 

“None of that,” Dick snapped. “Those are all illegal!” 

“Technically swappin’ stuff isn’t wrong, just funny.” 

“Just because you give it back doesn’t mean you didn’t steal it.” 

Harley pouted. 

“I know. I was shocked, too,” Selina whispered. “The Bats have no sense of humor.” 

Dick rolled his eyes under the mask. “Can I just go home? It’s been a very long and very frustrating day. I just want to go back to my apartment.”

“You ain’t even gonna go back to the batcave?” Harley said it like it broke her heart. “I know Batsy ain’t the talking type, but you could at least try an’ open up to him.” 

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” 

Harley opened her mouth to argue, but Selina piped up before she could. “I agree with D- with Nightwing, actually. Batman is a brick wall, sweetheart.” At Dick’s ironic smile, she patted him on the arm. “Better to try Robin. He’s a good kid.” 

“I’m not about to talk to my kid brother about my relationship issues.” 

“You won’t talk to us, you won’t talk to Bats, you won’t talk to Robin… kid, you used to be the chatty Robin! What happened to you?” 

“I grew up and had my heart broken  _ six different times _ ,” Dick snapped. “Some of them by the same person. I lost family, lost friends, and every time I think I might be in love again, she leaves as soon as she realizes that being Nightwing and saving lives comes first! Or, even if it’s going well, even if I trust her with my life and everything else, some crazy, comic impossibility happens and ruins our relationship, because our lives aren’t normal, and being Nightwing means that the universe will move hell and Earth just to make me unhappy! Every time I try again, something crazy happens. The second I try to have a totally normal relationship, she forgets that I’m Nightwing and being a workaholic is just what I do! I’m done -- and I’m done with you trying to give me a normal hobby or a normal coping mechanism! I’m not normal and I’m never going to be, so stop acting like punching bad guys is the worst thing I could do!” 

The Sirens’ hideout went eerily silent following his outburst. 

Then, to his shock, Harley pulled him into a hug and half-squeezed his lungs out. “There we go!” she said. “That’s the spirit!” 

Dick stared at her. “What?” 

“You just gotta be angry at the right stuff, Wingy,” Harley said. “Now you’re mad at your ex -- and maybe also the universe, I kinda lost track halfway through. But at least you’re mad at the right person! And you’re shouting, not just punching! Aw, Nightwing, I knew we could get through ta you!” 

Harley continued hugging him, and when she didn’t let go, Nightwing felt the fight drain out of him. 

“Can I please go home now?” 

Just like that, Ivy released the vines around him. 

Harley and Selina turned to stare at her, but Poison Ivy just shrugged. “The poor kid’s had enough. And if Harley hugs him any tighter, she’ll probably pop his lungs, and I’m not about to have the Bat after me because you were too dumb to keep his sidekick alive.” 

A window suddenly creaked -- quickly followed by a loud thud. Batman, as if summoned, dropped down into the Sirens’ HQ. 

“You called me?” Batman growled. “What’s this I hear about killing Nightwing?”

Harley let go and hopped to her feet immediately. Nightwing took a breath, grateful to finally be able to breathe. 

“Aw, we didn’t hurt him. If anything, we kept him from hurtin’ himself!” 

Batman jerked his head towards Nightwing, as though demanding to know if it was true. 

Nightwing just held up both hands palm out, then gestured to his very obviously uninjured body. “There isn’t a single Rogue who laid a hand on me,” he said. “It’s kind of insulting, actually.” 

No one but Nightwing would have noticed, but the lines on Batman’s face immediately relaxed. Nightwing rolled his eyes behind his mask. 

“I just want a ride home,” Dick said, in his best ‘I’m a serious vigilante who deserves respect’ voice. “Think we can all manage that?” 

“No one’s keeping you here, boy hostage,” Selina teased. Dick grimaced at the nickname. Then, she looked up at Bruce, blowing him a kiss. “I’ll meet up with you later, Bat.”

“Cat,” Bruce acknowledged. Then, without another word, he grabbed Nightwing by the arm and grappled out of the HQ. 

As they disappeared out of the warehouse, Dick could have sworn she heard Harley’s voice beneath him. 

“Shame our hostage got kidnapped so quickly. I was just startin’ to have some fun.” 

Dick needed a wall to bang his head against -- unfortunately, he only had Bruce’s shoulder. He flopped his head against it nonetheless. Batman, being Batman, allowed it without a word -- but Dick still had a feeling he was being judged for it. 

“You couldn’t have gotten in there a little earlier?” Dick sulked, as they made their way to the Batmobile. 

Bruce was silent until they were both in their designated seats -- with Robin already occupying the back seat. Batman was silent for a beat too long, and that’s when it hit Dick. 

It was way too convenient for Bruce to have arrived exactly when he did. 

Dick stared at his mentor, and his expression quickly morphed from shock to a scowl. “Were you  _ waiting  _ for me to break down?” 

Bruce kept his hands primly on the wheel in front of him -- so focused on the road that if you didn’t know better, you might have thought the Batmobile wasn’t automated. Then, deliberately slow, “...It’s not good to keep your emotions bottled, Nightwing. It’s important to let them out through healthy channels.” 

The Batmobile does not have a single second of peace for the rest of the ride home. 


End file.
